He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
