Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
