no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I love you. Go after that dick
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
