I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
