My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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