Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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