You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I just cut my nipple shaving
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
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