My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize