My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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