Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
