I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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