You can't special order awesome
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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