Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
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