So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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