How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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