Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
