dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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