Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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