You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
