Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
barbara walters just said penis...
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
