Pappa wants mamma naked
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
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