Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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