I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
