So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
