My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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