I think I died a long time ago.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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