Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
