do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
