Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
