I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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