I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I think my fart just growled at me.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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