they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
MIDGETS
????
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
