There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
