Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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