apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize
