Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
