what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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