John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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