Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
