i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
