C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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