my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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