I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
