Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
handjob tips. give me some.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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