Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
