I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Randomize
