That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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