Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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