The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
