I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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