I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
