tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
