Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
